Yet we approach acquiring a partner much like a job interview: “Put on your game face and may the best man win!” We seldom enter the meeting arena with blanket acceptance or willingness.
We have been taught that parameters must be set and bars must be reached. Historically, visuals are paramount for men (Will I feel an attraction?) and status is paramount for women (Does he have what I need?). We have grown smarter, and many of us have entered the realm of emotional evolution; however, the dogma of red flags and deal breakers continues to run a familiar, “bad tape” loop in the (background) world of dating.
Would our experience improve if we approached meeting a potential partner as an opportunity to “be a contribution” to that someone’s life. Could this clear the air of the weighted expectations we hold out for?
Factually, people are homogenous and have a desire for involvement and inclusion with one another. Humans also have minds, however, which over time can create barriers of personal protection, some of which in turn create limitations. Some of us choose to live in the margins of fear of rejection or exploitation.
That said, the saying that what you resist persists truly applies here. When the energy going out to the universe originates from fear (self protection), it is as powerful as the energy going out that originates from faith.
The desire for partnership continues to prevail against all human woes. What if we take the time to look under the hood at what personally motivates the desire for partnership? Perhaps we may mitigate the suppressive behaviors of fear-based (negative) cycles. If our motivation for partnership originates from a clouded desire, we have cause for pause.
When the motivation for a relationship is based on improving our survival (safety), looking for someone to improve our circumstances, we may be guilty of abdicating personal responsibility.
If we look for a partner because we are bored or unsatisfied with life, we may be using partnership to avoid dealing with our own baggage.
Perhaps we see that we do not have a mate and feel a lack, suspecting that something is wrong. . . . This means that our focus is on the lack rather than the desire to share (be a contribution). In that context, if we say to the universe, “I need a partner,” the universe responds to our acknowledgement of the lack, e.g. “neediness,” rather than to a desire for healthy partnership.
We are in an improved condition when our alignment with Source is in a healthy correlation to our desire for partnership.
In this context we must remain mindful that our words are paramount. If we choose to create relationship because we want to contribute and receive, we are in the “repartee of relationship.” The exchange can grow in authenticity, which leads to intimacy. It is in this environment that we have the makings of something pure.
Our word is a force; let go of the notion that word has limited power. It is time to embrace the reality that our word is definitive.
What we say shapes our destiny—and our experience of it. Our words are a description to the universe of our intentions. Our words (spoken and unspoken) declare our commitment to fulfill a desire. A thought occurs, and the word that follows it is then put into action. The context and outcome become created by our word.
When we experience a desire as a possibility that we can live into, we are halfway there! We stand ready and willing; there is nothing missing. What exists is openness to all possibilities.
In my past attempts at relationships, I would say things such as “I want a relationship”; however, I found myself only partially committed. I did not put anything in to make myself more available. The investment through action was missing.
In this scenario, my actions did not correlate with my words. What I claimed I wanted when I spoke did not coincide with what I really wanted, and I was only partially committed to the result I was seeking. I was unable to receive because I had restricted my availability by not creating the opportunity for the desired result of true intimacy.
In this partially committed place, I was lonely—sitting at home, drinking too often, with nothing going on.
When I realized I really did want to be in a relationship, I got very clear with myself and the universe that I wanted to create the desired relationship in an entirely new way.
In order to do this, I needed to improve my wardrobe and begin to have fun being attractive. I then took a step in a powerful direction and decided to involve GOD in the process. I declared that I desired relationship and identified the type of person I wanted as my perfect compliment. I remembered hearing once that “you cannot create on top of attachment,” meaning there’s no place to put anything new in life if your cup is already full. The paradigm shift for me was the realization that to “let in,” I must “Let Go.” Let go of old hurt around relationship. Let go of the past and accept all things as they are.
Next, I did the heavy labor of letting go of “the list”—and any and all expectations of how it was to look. No longer did details reign. This became an enormous opportunity to engage in the freedom to be with anyone easily . . . because I was no longer judging, condemning, assessing, or in the evaluation mode. I was in the mode of receiving “who” they were and in the experience of sharing their unique being. There was no longer a need to measure up, and true liberation occurred. I became free of limiting beliefs and biases. My partnership with GOD became as significant as the desire to receive. When my partner arrived, I was open to receive without expectations—AKA my own imposed limitations.
If we can balance a checkbook and have come to like the face in the mirror, our baggage is lightened. You are whole (not perfect) and complete! In this scenario you now have a clear path for perhaps the greatest event of your life.
When we approach partnership from this place, we have changed the landscape. We are now coming from a space where endless possibilities can occur. Burn the list and live into the possibilities that await you!
Patricia Bonelli and Matthew Jackson