Can Men Learn to Be Gentlemen after Forty??

After some time swimming in the “dating pool,” I have found that many available men are not up for (or to) the job of dating. They prefer the “meet and greet” approach. I suppose in an environment where time is precious and baggage is plentiful, the “once over” can make sense. However, guys, after the once over is over, it is time to pony up, put on the jacket of chivalry (AKA good manners), and be a gentleman.

For those of you who may not have learned the skill of courtesy, there is no time like the present! Newsflash: today you’re middle aged and single. If you were once a thirty-something hottie and needed only to smile to get the girl, those days are over. Girls–strike that–women worth having in your world (non-psycho and self-supporting) are respectful of a man who knows how to SHOW UP as a gentleman rather than just another guy.

I am aware that, as years get added to our calendars, too often we grow complacent and forget the importance of pushing boundaries, extending comfort zones, and perfecting our abilities. We grow arrogant and begin to think that we are just fine (forever) the way we are today. Men and women both demonstrate this human trait. If you are single and want to stay that way, carry on. However, if you want a companion to share in your life, you must be willing (and, YES, able) to develop your valor in the dating market place.

Both men and women can begin this process by banishing trepidation, mediocrity, and self-imposed restrictions. Challenge yourself to move a few steps beyond where you are today. Extend your capacity and improve your opportunities.

For women, this may include the following: stop assessing a man’s earnings or potential as if you have the right to carry a yardstick. No one deserves to be assessed as if they are enlisted to create a life for you that you were unable to create for yourself. Girls, at this stage in life, it is about sharing.
So play nice and be open with who you are and what you truly want.

Men, stop listening to what other men (especially single guys) say. They are blowing smoke up your–well you get the picture. The human truth is that everyone wants to be loved and cared for. Scientific data supports the notion that this is how we thrive. Men in relationships live longer and are healthier; I don’t care what your single (perhaps unhappy) guy pals say. The trick is choosing wisely. To do this, you may have to modify some behaviors. BECOME the gentlemen you have the ability to be.
Perhaps your parents failed to teach you these gentlemanly skills, or perhaps your once rough nature was charming enough. Whatever the case, stop and allow these suggestions to wash over your gray matter. You are no longer looking for the barely ripe Chiquita; you are looking for substance, and that is going to extend to you as a warm reverence for the man you are. To garner this appreciation, however, you must first have the ability to present substance.

Like attracts like; if you don’t like what you are attracting, modify how you are acting.

Show your intentions. This is not the time to hold back or play hard to get. A woman of substance is honored by the display of a man’s of interest in her. If she is not, this is perhaps a red flag to spend your time or interests elsewhere.

On the other hand, if she is responding, the question becomes this: How does a man develop an ability that he has never had to use or rely upon?
Simple: just do it; ask her out, set up a date night. Send her a cute card, email her warm thoughts, or share tender words. Just as you are drawn to the smell of good cooking, these actions will deliver a fragrant aroma to her world.

Treat her like a lady if it is a lady you want. (Yes, she can still send shivers up your spine in the bedroom.) Be considerate of her words and slow to action in consummating the deal. In fact, put the bedroom on the bottom of the ”to do” list!

Get to know her and contain your lustful overtures. Self-control, boys: learn to wait for the goodies. If they are delivered too soon or too readily, they may not be all that good.

Something worth having is worth waiting for. Touché.

Let things progress in their time.

WARNING: Don’t be negligent or afraid to invest. Invest and grow it . . . one step of Chivalry at a time.

4 Responses to “Can Men Learn to Be Gentlemen after Forty??”


    • Patricia…I believe that there is nothing more to say….Youve said it all…So to the men out there…Take note

  2. This one really “spoke” to me Patricia. You’ve described it perfectly. From where I’m sitting and what I was taught as a young boy, women are to be treated with respect, honor, and dignity. It’s a lesson that admittedly, I’ve forgotten in the past but one that’s now firmly embedded in my soul. That lesson, however, extends to everyone with whom I come into contact with. Any relationship with any substance, value, or meaning, something that’s more than just a passing fancy, must have these elements in place, in my opinion.

    That’s even more important for those of us over 40 when it comes to dating. We don’t have the luxury of tapping into a large pool of potential partners out here that someone much younger may have. On the other hand, we’ve got a hell of alot more life experience, wisdom, and awareness of what it takes to squeeze the glue in the right places to make everything “fit” and bond longer.

    Thanks again for the reminder!

  3. Well said from an intellectual standpoint. Very sensible.

    When I was in my 30s, I never considered myself handsome, so I have always been chivalrous, polite, thoughtful with women. (Besides, that how my mother taught me to behave. ) As you described it, during youthful times, women are more into the good looking, fun loving, no substance guy who treats them rather poorly.

    I believe there’s something of a biological nature that lures women to “bad boys.” The saying, “Nice guys finish last” is not entirely unfounded. We nice guys have noticed women falling for the bad boys over and over, and ignoring us.

    Maybe women get smarter in their later years and begin to notice the nice guys. I’m not sure. I have noticed is that now I have many opportunities, actual overtures from women. Mostly, I turn them down. They are just not up to my standards, anymore.

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